As mentioned in my previous post, I am a long term sufferer of anxiety and depression and although iIwas bullied at school, my anxiety only kicked in when I was about 17.
My anxiety was something that started with excessive worrying and claustrophobia which ended up growing and spiraling completely out of control. This past year I have learnt to be open and honest about anxiety and depression as I feel it is something that is not spoken about half as much as it should be. I am often told I am the last person people would expect to suffer with anxiety and I was just as surprised how many are in the same boat as me.
The lowest point of my anxiety journey was in 2015 after exiting a relationship full of mental and emotional abuse I had lost over 2 stone in weight and had non-existent self esteem. The cycle of constant worry was worse than it had ever been and then I was worrying about worrying (if that is even possible).
My eating habits and gym routine became a huge part of my anxiety and I would be full of self hate every time I came into contact with a mirror. You cannot see anxiety, it's not like a broken arm or a common cold where people can tell you to get well soon. Some days I would wake up and just cry, cry and cry some more and when faced with the question 'what's the matter?' the only words that fit my feelings exactly were 'I don't know' which then leads to endless amounts of questions. How could I not know people would say and that was it, I just didn't know. I would question everything, I am healthy, I have a good family, a job, wonderful friends, the list went on and on and how wonderful my little life was, but why wasn't it enough? There are people in this world who have been and are going through a lot more than me, how selfish could I get? Then guilt would set in, the guilt of feeling like this, the guilt of putting my family and friends through this and then the cycle would continue.
I have always been a worrier, it's in my make up (I am most definitely my mother's daughter where worry is concern) and I am ALWAYS apologizing when half the time I haven't done anything wrong.
I worry about everyone and everything and analyse every situation I am ever faced with over and over again, sometimes I feel like I need constant reassurance that it's okay, what it is, I don't know, but I just have to know that whatever it is, it's okay.
One day it all became too much and I literally begged the doctor to help me, sitting in the doctors surgery still in my PJ's and being asked 'so what's the problem?' I will never forget the tears pouring down my cheeks and my response 'help me, I need help' I felt so hopeless, talking to this stranger telling her every little thought and feeling I have, each minute of every day. But nothing could have been more comforting than what would follow, 'Do you know how many people I see about this every day? At least 6.' 6 people, each day, feeling exactly the same way as me. I would never wish anxiety on anybody, but to hear that I wasn't alone, there are other people suffering and fighting the same way I do, reassured me that I am normal.
Sometimes I worry (see, I told you) that I bring people down, my family, my friends, my boyfriend, I worry that what if I am pushing them away, what if I am the friend no one wants to be around? I know this is all in my head, but it makes you question everything. My main point of guilt was my Mum, my beautiful Mum, every morning the routine would be the same I would be crying and telling her I just didn't know what was wrong, each day the amount of text messages that I send to her is off the scale and it wasn't until more recently, seeing my Mum look so helpless, all she wants to do is help but there is nothing she can do for me, that broke my heart. It made me think I cannot cure myself but I need to try.
It has been a long and winding road and after counselling, tablets and endless doctors appointments (not to mention the tears and snot) things have improved, some days are good and some days are bad, but you cope. You learn that you have to control the anxiety and not let it control you. It may be a part of you but it doesn't define who you are.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain
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